So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
