I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
