highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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