WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
