I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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