In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
