My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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