can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
