just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
