I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
