that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
