Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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