1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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