I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
