I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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