life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
try to milk me bitch
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