Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
