omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
