We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
