just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
