I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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