she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
