I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
