i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
did i walk over a car last night?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
