if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Never underestimate the power of titties
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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