I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
