In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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