I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize