I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
