Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
it's great music for shaving your balls
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
