Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
