ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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