atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
