I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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