Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
