So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Randomize
