The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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