i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize