So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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