Kiss
Puke
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
