I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
