I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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