WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She has the best kind of daddy issues
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
