What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
