The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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