I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
