i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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