4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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