Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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