he told me I talked like a deaf person
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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