I puked a lego.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
