Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
