she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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