doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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