i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
