I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
