On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize